most of my dreams have been weird and they’ve been coming in flashes and I’ve been having trouble remembering them lately
but I woke up this morning and remembered most of it, or at least the parts that mattered. I dreamt that I knew how to drive somehow (I can’t and when I was little I used to have this running motif in my dreams where I’m driving and then I crash and watch and feel the life leaving my body) and I stole a car or maybe it was mine but I was driving it and went to this beach town (it was a lot like this place I used to go when I was in middle school except it felt more urban) and my friends were there and it was night and then morning came and I was alone and I wandered into this apartment building and on each floor there were boxes of things that I guess people were giving away so I took their old books and VHS tapes and on the top floor there were these fat lines of coke, like at least 10 grams worth of it, on a chess board balanced on a crate and I knew it was coke because I could like physically taste it when I sampled some and I was like oh cool whatever and I could hear someone stomping up the stairs as I took a manilla envelope out and pushed the lines together to form a mountain of cocaine and was about to take all of it because why not when this crazy man (never seen him in my life) shows up and points a gun at me and I’m trying to like control what is happening in my dream, trying to tell this guy to fucking stop for the love of god I don’t even want this coke if it’s yours like fucking keep it, Jesus Christ. But then I get really scared because he’s not stopping and his finger is on the trigger and I don’t want to watch myself die and my dream self is pleading with my waking self to just wake up please please please and I do.
I’m awake but still tired so I go back to sleep and my dream continues. my mom’s church friends are all there and they’re yelling at me, listing all of my past and future sins, and I’m tearing at my skin thinking of the ways I could tell them all to fuck off (irl they’re all nice and lovely people who are always happy to see me)
I feel defenseless and I run through the maze of rooms and I run into the now-pastor of my mom’s church and his wife (they have kids, a boy and a girl, my age who were homeschooled and I would spend summers and many many afternoons at their house so I am or was very close to this family) and I feel really threatened because they’re coming towards me and then these words just start coming out of my mouth. “the reason I am the way I am is all because of what you’ve done to me, do you fucking realize that? you make me sick.”
(I have vivid memories of their kids telling me that Harry Potter is evil and that they didn’t like “Oprah Winfrey” because she was a homosexual (I think they meant to say Ellen Degeneres) and when I said that she wasn’t and that that was beside the point and that she had a tough life and that she was raped as a child, the boy (his sister, some months after this, later told me that he had a crush on me) replied, “Ew. That’s disgusting.”)
"no we know who you are and you only have yourself to blame for your eternal damnation."
they’re coming towards me with knives, the whole congregation is at this point. they’re reciting bible verses, and I recognize them as verses we memorized in Sunday school.
the fear of The Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
the word of thy mouth is better unto me than thousands of gold and silver
for the wages of sin is death…
there’s an empty beer bottle on the floor so I take it and I smash it and hold it by the neck as I wave it around a bit crazily but I start crying and realize I shouldn’t hurt them and I don’t know what to do so I take one of the larger shards from the floor and I carve the inside of my arm and I watch the blood drain and pool as I collapse and I’m about to apologize but then that crazy guy from before comes in and pours coke on my wound and I hear myself screaming and crying as everything begins to fade fade fade to white and then that white fades to grey fades to black